"Sorry, I can't"

As I karang ayat to turn down the offer by a few friends at Uitm Puncak Alam to have iftar with them, I came to realise that life after high school is so much different. I knew that it's gonna be different because we were told that way by our seniors who had experienced it beforehand, but I never really understood what they meant until a few minutes ago.

There are some things that even after people tell you about it, you won't be able to understand it, not a hundred percent, until you yourself experience it.

When high school ends, I learned that just because you see them 7 days a week, doesn't mean you're friends. I learned that in order to always make sure that your friendship stays, either you or your friend has to reach out to one another. If both of you just couldn't care less, then you'll be hearing from one another when the other person is about to get married or something and personally, I don't want that. Sebab I believe that if you lose track of one phase of your friends' lives, when you try to reach out again to them, it's never gonna be the same. They might even be a changed person. And that's okay for them to change, kalau they're a better person afterwards, but then you aren't there for the big changes; for the heartbreaks and the shrieks of joy. That's the little things that matter the most and would bring you and your friends closer.

So, learn from me; kalau ada kelapangan masa, transportation and permission from your parents, I suggest you hop on the next train or get a cab to go meet your friends. Now that I'm eighteen, the furthest my close friends are studying at is merely 20 train stations away but what about 5 years from now? I might have to travel around the globe just to see them eye to eye.

I don't pray for any of my friends to forever stay by my side 'cause that would be selfish.
All I minta from Allah is for Him to bestow on them mercy, tranquility and happiness here in dunia and afterlife, and for us to be always be in each others' prayers.

Tati

I've only spent two months in KYSB and I honestly think that the two months that I was there was one of the best times I've had. I meet A LOT of interesting people there and I learned quite a lot from them too. With Tati, it's different though. Because of my never-ending-insecurities about other people's judgments, I've never been able to get so comfortable with anyone that fast before but with her, I did. I didn't spend as much time with her as I'd love to back then and I honestly regret that the most. If only I knew I wouldn't be back there by now, I would've went to that ATM Course that we planned tapi tak jadi and I would've gone swimming every Tuesday and Thursday and come to her room more often to spend more time with her. Without me realising it, she taught me more than just how block people on Instagram and how to be a good friend a bad friend can be, she taught me about opening up to people so that people open up to you too. And Allah know how much of me I’ve showed her and vice versa. I'd be crazy one day and the next, I’ll be an emotional bag. I love every side of her that she had shown me and I hope she liked the sides of me too. She taught me an important lesson which is the trick of letting people inside your heart is to never let them in deep 'cause then they’d have the power to hurt you. And other people's judgements? That will never be put to a halt, ever. So you might as well be yourself, hold your chin up and enjoy the ride. ‘Cause it’s gonna be a hell of a ride.

False Hopes

When they say "I'm here for you"
They didn't mean it
At least not if it wasn't super important

When they say "I want to know everything"
They meant only the sweet juicy stuff
They couldn't care less about what breaks you

When they say "I miss you"
They meant it reluctantly
They just didn't want to be alone and lonely when the dusk falls in

When they say "through thick and thin"
They meant for themselves
They wanted to remind you to help them when they need you

Don't trust them. Don't let them in.



Ever.

You

You were right next to me cheering me on when I was on my knees with my hands on my head, on the verge of breaking and somehow I know you’d still be there the next time I crumble. You motivate me in so many ways that you sendiri tak tahu and you constantly change the way I look at things and myself. I know I haven't been so easy on myself and I sometimes underestimate myself. I know I should appreciate myself more than I do and you helped me realise that.

For these reasons and a thousand more, I want to be there for you when you're tearing apart. I will be there for you as long as you let me. I want to be at the end of the line of the phone while you're screaming at me about how you're pissed at someone and I want to be there on your graduation day, proudly standing in the crowd, cheering you on. I want to do so many things with you and for you, it’s such a long list.

Just let me, man. It takes two to tango. I can’t do it alone and you know that. So please, let me know you better.

"why"

When I first met my Mathematics lecturer, Mr. John Taylor, he briefed us about himself. I think he was from New Zealand and his family lives there while he teaches us here in KYSB (Kolej Yayasan Saad Business School). He told us that apart from the food in Malaysia, he also loves the people.We were all immediately intrigued. And so he explained.

He said, back in New Zealand (or it could be Australia, I'm sorry I can't exactly remember), if the boss were to ask this one person to jump, that person would automatically jump as asked. But the thing with Malaysians are that when we are asked to jump, we would ask back "how high do you want me to jump?" I think what Mr. John was trying to explain was that he finds Malaysians unique and intelligent, in a way I guess. Not bluntly doing as asked, but asking for the details needed before doing it.

For me, though, if I were ever asked to jump, I'd first simply ask "why?". I'd want to know the reasons behind the things I'm asked to do. When I get the reasons, I'll then ask for details like how high or how many time etc. If someone were to tell me to bring a sick cat to a vet, I'd wanna know why. I find it unsettling to be doing stuff or errands for people without be given justification of why I were given the instructions to do them because in the end, actions have consequences. And I can't go on not knowing the consequences of the actions I'm asked to do.

With that, I'm sorry Mr. John but I guess I'm not one of the typical Malaysians you look up to.

Interests

So yesterday someone asked me to write about what interest me. And I couldn’t help but to think about all my visits to the beach. My house is literally just a-five-minute-drive away from the Port Dickson beach but well, since I just got my driving license a month ago, it’d take me 10 minutes to get there hehe. Ever since I started going to boarding school, which was when I was 16 years old, my friends and I would always buy some snacks and drinks at a nearby pasar malam and walk to the beach on Saturdays. We’d just sit on the sand and eat what we bought and basically, catch on with each other’s lives and gossip about other friends. I think it was because of those frequent visits to the beach that I started to have a certain fondness to the whole concept of the beach; the sound of the waves hitting the shore, the beautiful shining sun, and the white sand and how my feet sink into it. My most favourite is the “line” where the furthest end of the ocean meets the sky. I swear, I could sit on the sand watching and admiring how the green and blue sea kind of blend with the skies. I used to imagine all of my problems being dumped right between them and lost forever, somehow helping me cope. I find it mysteriously beautiful. I tried millions of times taking a good shot of this beautiful scenery I see every time I come to the beach but no camera can beat my eyesight. It’s a shame to see this beautiful sunset and how it reflects onto the sea and not be able to share it to other people who didn’t get the chance to see it but I think of it this way, the scenery is so gorgeous that no camera is worthy to capture its beauty. It teaches me that no man-made creation could ever beat what Allah has given us, the eyes, to see the beauty of the world that He created. So here’s to all the blind people alive, may your live be forever blessed by Allah and may you be able to appreciate the beauty of life through other things. Amin.

#1 Review

Book Review:
Title: The Things You Would Have Said by Jackie Hooper
Price: RM6 (big bad wolf sales)

This book is actually a compile of letters written by people who either missed their chances, didn’t have the guts to say it or they just let the moment passed. After rereading this book for what it may seemed to be for like a gazillion times, I find this book being the light of the 'second chance’ we all really needed in our lives. What are the odds that the people (and animals) addressed to in these letters, actually get to read them and realise that that particular letter is meant for them? I would say that the chances are pretty slim.

Even so, this book to me seems to be the second chance that all these writers desperately need in their lives; closure. By writing these letters, they are slowly letting go of the past, forgiving themselves for what had happened and are starting to move forward. This book is also a second chance to us, the readers. In a way, this book had taught me that moments in life don’t come twice. You just got to embrace everyday like it’s never going to be same tomorrow, cause it ain’t. If you have something to say or to do, say or do it. Don’t procrastinate with the excuse of finding the right time because you’ll just miss your chance and eventually live in regret, forever wondering about all the ‘what ifs’ that could've happened instead of what did happened. That being said, I promise to myself to live to the fullest and do or say what I want, or not do or say what I want. As long as it's not memudaratkan anyone and it's not against Allah's will then I say, bring it on!