Do you?

When you get ignored by your friends

When you sometimes zone out when hanging out and nobody cares

When you're hurt by something they said and they don't even realise it

Do you ever - even for a split second

Feel like vanishing into thin air

And disappearing before their eyes

Just to see who would come looking

For you

Who would be asking around

For you

Who would reach out their helping hand

For you

Just to see which one of them care

Do you ever? 

'Cause I do. Several times, in fact.

Food for Thought

Sometimes, when I go to a new place, I think about what kind of person I’d like to be. I dream of combining all the good values in people I know and try to plant them within myself. It never worked that well before sebab bukan senang nak berubah but I still have high hopes on myself. You see, I’ve always had this thought, “new place, new person”. I know the “be yourself” thing but kadang-kadang being yourself tu boleh tak kena dengan surroundings. I mean, what if you’re doing a formal presentation in front of your colleagues, would you show off your goofy personality? Nuh-uh. Everyone has got plenty of different sides of themselves so ikut masa and surroundings la mana satu attitude yang sesuai to tunjukkan.

I have thousands of shades of me. I show different sides of myself to different people. Yes, it’s true that you have to be yourself but kalau you see something in someone yang you admire or look up to, why not try to become more like them in that aspect? Kalau ikut logic pun, takkan lah masa umur 25, you want to think and act exactly the same way you did when you were fifteen. Where’s the growth in that?

Living in TGB for 2 years have taught me so much. I look up to so many people there sebab they're like idols to me. For instance, I’ve seen a classmate of mine trying to pick up a duster yang jatuh from the whiteboard that's far from him a few times. Sometimes, he picked it up on time before the teacher got the chance to bend down and sometimes he didn’t. Even if he didn’t get to pick anything up off the floor pun, his actions were noticeable enough for me to appreciate what he did padahal “angkat barang kat lantai je pun”. I think he was being nice but I also feel that he just has good manners. Even smiling and beri salam to people you meet is good. Tolong people study, bagi pinjam barang, being nice and friendly etc. We humans have this weird way of thinking too much of ourselves and our ego, or some might call it “segan”, we miss out on the adventures we could've had if only we smiled back that one time.

The idea of doing good deeds to be noticed by other people should never cross our minds. Benda baik yang kita buat should always be founded by all the right niat; for pahala, for bekalan kita nanti. For Allah azza wa jalla.
Sebab it comes down to the question :

     Kita hidup kat dunia nak impress kan the creations of our Creator ke The Creator Himself?

I am such a long way from where my friends and all you non-existential readers are but I do know this, it wouldn’t hurt your ego to just say hello first to a couple of strangers (especially if they will be your coursemates for 5 years). ‘Cause if you don’t, you might just come home feeling a sense of regret.
Believe me, I know I did.

"Sorry, I can't"

As I karang ayat to turn down the offer by a few friends at Uitm Puncak Alam to have iftar with them, I came to realise that life after high school is so much different. I knew that it's gonna be different because we were told that way by our seniors who had experienced it beforehand, but I never really understood what they meant until a few minutes ago.

There are some things that even after people tell you about it, you won't be able to understand it, not a hundred percent, until you yourself experience it.

When high school ends, I learned that just because you see them 7 days a week, doesn't mean you're friends. I learned that in order to always make sure that your friendship stays, either you or your friend has to reach out to one another. If both of you just couldn't care less, then you'll be hearing from one another when the other person is about to get married or something and personally, I don't want that. Sebab I believe that if you lose track of one phase of your friends' lives, when you try to reach out again to them, it's never gonna be the same. They might even be a changed person. And that's okay for them to change, kalau they're a better person afterwards, but then you aren't there for the big changes; for the heartbreaks and the shrieks of joy. That's the little things that matter the most and would bring you and your friends closer.

So, learn from me; kalau ada kelapangan masa, transportation and permission from your parents, I suggest you hop on the next train or get a cab to go meet your friends. Now that I'm eighteen, the furthest my close friends are studying at is merely 20 train stations away but what about 5 years from now? I might have to travel around the globe just to see them eye to eye.

I don't pray for any of my friends to forever stay by my side 'cause that would be selfish.
All I minta from Allah is for Him to bestow on them mercy, tranquility and happiness here in dunia and afterlife, and for us to be always be in each others' prayers.

Tati

I've only spent two months in KYSB and I honestly think that the two months that I was there was one of the best times I've had. I meet A LOT of interesting people there and I learned quite a lot from them too. With Tati, it's different though. Because of my never-ending-insecurities about other people's judgments, I've never been able to get so comfortable with anyone that fast before but with her, I did. I didn't spend as much time with her as I'd love to back then and I honestly regret that the most. If only I knew I wouldn't be back there by now, I would've went to that ATM Course that we planned tapi tak jadi and I would've gone swimming every Tuesday and Thursday and come to her room more often to spend more time with her. Without me realising it, she taught me more than just how block people on Instagram and how to be a good friend a bad friend can be, she taught me about opening up to people so that people open up to you too. And Allah know how much of me I’ve showed her and vice versa. I'd be crazy one day and the next, I’ll be an emotional bag. I love every side of her that she had shown me and I hope she liked the sides of me too. She taught me an important lesson which is the trick of letting people inside your heart is to never let them in deep 'cause then they’d have the power to hurt you. And other people's judgements? That will never be put to a halt, ever. So you might as well be yourself, hold your chin up and enjoy the ride. ‘Cause it’s gonna be a hell of a ride.

False Hopes

When they say "I'm here for you"
They didn't mean it
At least not if it wasn't super important

When they say "I want to know everything"
They meant only the sweet juicy stuff
They couldn't care less about what breaks you

When they say "I miss you"
They meant it reluctantly
They just didn't want to be alone and lonely when the dusk falls in

When they say "through thick and thin"
They meant for themselves
They wanted to remind you to help them when they need you

Don't trust them. Don't let them in.



Ever.

You

You were right next to me cheering me on when I was on my knees with my hands on my head, on the verge of breaking and somehow I know you’d still be there the next time I crumble. You motivate me in so many ways that you sendiri tak tahu and you constantly change the way I look at things and myself. I know I haven't been so easy on myself and I sometimes underestimate myself. I know I should appreciate myself more than I do and you helped me realise that.

For these reasons and a thousand more, I want to be there for you when you're tearing apart. I will be there for you as long as you let me. I want to be at the end of the line of the phone while you're screaming at me about how you're pissed at someone and I want to be there on your graduation day, proudly standing in the crowd, cheering you on. I want to do so many things with you and for you, it’s such a long list.

Just let me, man. It takes two to tango. I can’t do it alone and you know that. So please, let me know you better.

"why"

When I first met my Mathematics lecturer, Mr. John Taylor, he briefed us about himself. I think he was from New Zealand and his family lives there while he teaches us here in KYSB (Kolej Yayasan Saad Business School). He told us that apart from the food in Malaysia, he also loves the people.We were all immediately intrigued. And so he explained.

He said, back in New Zealand (or it could be Australia, I'm sorry I can't exactly remember), if the boss were to ask this one person to jump, that person would automatically jump as asked. But the thing with Malaysians are that when we are asked to jump, we would ask back "how high do you want me to jump?" I think what Mr. John was trying to explain was that he finds Malaysians unique and intelligent, in a way I guess. Not bluntly doing as asked, but asking for the details needed before doing it.

For me, though, if I were ever asked to jump, I'd first simply ask "why?". I'd want to know the reasons behind the things I'm asked to do. When I get the reasons, I'll then ask for details like how high or how many time etc. If someone were to tell me to bring a sick cat to a vet, I'd wanna know why. I find it unsettling to be doing stuff or errands for people without be given justification of why I were given the instructions to do them because in the end, actions have consequences. And I can't go on not knowing the consequences of the actions I'm asked to do.

With that, I'm sorry Mr. John but I guess I'm not one of the typical Malaysians you look up to.